Monday, June 18, 2018

Happy Fathers Day

R: Milton Clarke (Father) | L: Ezell Clarke (Grandma)

I'll never know what a Father's love is like. I will never experience the love and comfort of a fatherly relationship, and I'm OK with that. I have to be. I am 32 years old going on 33. My mother reared me on her own--a semi-choice.

My parents first met in Jamaica and fate led them to meet up again 10 years later in the Bronx and *boom* I was born in '86. I never got the chance to meet him due to the extenuating circumstances under which I was conceived, and in 1993 that fate was sealed when a gunman murdered my father.

My mother shared the story with me about how she did not know he was married when I was conceived. She was deeply in love with him. When she discovered he was still married, she was heartbroken. I had been told for many years she chose to move to Florida for better education opportunities for her children--a stretching of the truth. She moved out of heartbreak. She had to get away and sort of "punish" my father for his betrayal. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to keep me, being a single mother in the 80's was still an unpopular circumstance. I am glad she made the right choice for her.

Everyday she reminded me of how much I looked like this man named, "Milton" having never met him, I attributed this to a comical anecdote. I spoke to Milton once on the phone when I was 6. I don't even remember what his voice sounded like or if I understood what a father was. I just remember he said he would be sending me a package for my birthday--then he died. 

I'll never know what a Father's love is like. I'll have to be OK with that. Im nearly 33 now, it's too late to lament or type a sad sob story--"boohoo". Don't feel sorry for me. I'm Gucci my nigga!

Due to my experience, the concept of fatherhood is a distant phenomenon I can't even fathom. 

I didn't know how to spell my real last name until I was 6. When I was 4 my mother dated a man who assumed the role of my father--a terrible circumstance. He was also married--and he also died. (Divine Coincidence?)

I didn't miss not having a father, it was my baseline. I didn't even say "Aha! Finally I'll have a daddy" after my mom remarried a man when I was ten years old. He was just "That church elder who bagged a woman 17 years his junior". He didn't even TRY to be my dad. Which was cool cause I didn't want some "crusty old man" telling me what to do. BUT, according to my mother, I still had to address him as some form of "Dad". I chose "Pa" cause that seemed like the most distant word from fatherhood I could fathom. 

I didn't know what having a father was like but I knew "Pa" was NOT it. I'm not bitter or sad about it. He wasn't a terrible person or mean or wicked. He just wasn't emotionally available to me. Some step-parents just don't have that kind of capacity. Because of his age it was like he had used up all his "fatherly points" 40 years ago and...

One bit. 

No, I didn't miss having a daddy until I got my heart broken in my 20s. That's when the correlation upended in my mind. Having a father or father figure is crucial to a young girl's development. 

Happy Father's Day

(Sorry this is belated, Im kinda bad at this Father's Day thing know.) 

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

A Recipe for PissedOffvity

I’m sitting on the Metro…Watching white men in good health, wearing cotton navy blue suits laden with pin stripes and the blood sweat and tears of my ancestors--discuss business deals using generational wealth.

White Men, manspread in every corner of the fucking earth claiming whatever land they land on. Legs white open encroaching on black territory.

Pop. Boom. Another nigger dead. And not one white tear shed. Yet white tears doth floweth amid eyes that rolleth; "I'm not responsible for what my ancestors did--why don't you just get over it?!"

I contemplate, how the fuck is this just?

Then, I get mad.

Not because every single colored thing that white people have ever touched has resulted in genocide, rape and disgust.

I’m mad because, I’m afraid to raise black babies in my black womb. To later on have to raise and lower black babies in white tomb.

I’m mad as hell.

Because our boys are seen as men, and our men are seen as thugs. Our black girls and black women are seen as walking sex-jugs for the appropriation by Kardashian thugs.

I’m pissed off.

Because they call our homeland corrupt as they hide their slave wealth in foreign bank accounts. They bleed and rape our lands till there’s nothing left but black dust.

I’m about to go off...
After years of being double conscious, suffering whitewashing & white assimilation, European beauty standards forced upon us--we’re told “Don’t dye your hair blonde” “Don’t wear dreadlocks” 

“Your booty is too much”

What. In thee. Entire. Fuck?

Shoot now, ask questions later.
Take now, ask resources later.
Lock up now, justice later.

Its known that...
Cocaine is white good. Crack is black bad.
Angel’s Food Cake = White
Devil’s Food Cake = Black

Subliminal Messages = Unconscious Biases.
Intentional Oppression mixed with Fortuitous Emancipation.
Add two drops of rage and shake together make for a…


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Florida State University Rape Survivor Speaks Out

Help me make a difference by donating to the DC Rape Crisis Center here:

By Crime Watch Daily

"It was Halloween, so a lot of students were out getting ready for parties that night," said Kassie Edwards. "So there weren't too many people. There was nobody on that floor actually when I walked in. So the lights came on and I noticed a man in a hoodie and he walked past me, and then I walked to the shelf where I started shelving books.

"He came back down my aisle, that's when he put his arm around my neck and he raped me," said Edwards. "I was going to scream but he put his hand over my mouth. He said 'Don't say nothing' and then he pointed to his waist pocket as if he had a gun.

"He made me count backwards from 100 and he told me not to say anything to anybody, and then he took my ID badge and then he left," said Edwards.

She had been savagely attacked for almost 30 excruciating minutes in a deserted library corridor. That experience became even more terrifying once Edwards reported it to police and found out who raped her.
Check your state here: Where the Backlog Exists.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, visit theRape, Abuse & Incest National Network, or call the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

"I was able to obtain warrants for him for sexual battery with a firearm," saidLeon County Sheriff's Sgt. Wiley Meggs.

Cops say Edwards's bravery helped them track down her attacker. Thoughrape kits across the nation often sit idle, DNA from hers was tested quickly and the results ultimately led to a dangerous assailant who had victimized others.

Haywood Henry was more of a monster than they ever imagined.

"He murdered his girlfriend," said Edwards.

"She was shot in the back of the head with a sawed-off shotgun," said Sgt. Meggs.

The victim, Mileah Lindsey, was Henry's girlfriend. She was found dead by her young child in the home she shared with Henry.

Henry was only 19 at the time, but as the police investigation revealed, he's done a lot of damage in his young life as a serial rapist.

"Hayward Henry was very angry, very violent, he was always armed when he went out," said Sgt. Meggs. "One lady that he raped he beat so brutally she was almost unrecognizable."

One underage victim told police that Henry actually showed remorse while assaulting her.

"She began to cry and told him that she had been raped prior and did not want to have to live through that kind of experience again, so he apologized and stopped," said Meggs.

"I would have periods where I relived what happened to me over and over again, and it felt like it was fresh new trauma," said Edwards.

Until he was caught.

"He had broken into another house in the neighborhood and was hiding in a closet," said Sgt. Meggs. "The SWAT team went in, surrounded the house and went inside and eventually located him inside the refrigerator of the home."

Police later learned that Henry was wearing his victim's clothing while he was hiding out.

"It was never determined if he was in fact a cross-dresser or if he was just doing this to elude capture by law enforcement by posing as a woman," said Meggs.

But they do know that Henry had serious issues with women, evident not only by his rap sheet, but by the female officers who tried to interview him after he was arrested.

"He got up out of the interview chair and got in a corner and pulled into the fetal position and would not look at the female officers while conducting the interview," said Sgt. Meggs.

Hayward Henry was eventually convicted of murder and seven sexual assaults and is now serving life in prison with no chance for parole.

But before he was sent to prison, Edwards believed she'd always be living in fear, serving her own life sentence too.

"Rapists don't rape one time. They've done it before and will do it again if they get away with it, so it's kind of empowering to get somebody locked up and put away for something they did to you," said Edwards.

She's now become a champion for change to get more support for victims and for funding rape kits like the one that helped catch her assailant.

"I think it's absolutely a disgrace that these rape kits are not tested. I think it should be a priority so that we can get these backlogs of rape kits tested and that we can match them to criminals," said Kassie Edwards. "We need to get those people locked up."

According to End the Backlog, a non-profit organization fighting to fix the problem, the state of Florida has more than 13,000 rape kits that are backlogged right now. States like California and Colorado have more than 6,000 kits that still need to be tested.