Dating Sucks In The DMV

I've always been a super independent girl. I say girl because in some ways my independence developed as a juvenile and kinda got stuck there. Im stubborn, strong-willed and I always get my way--ALWAYS! So whomever God prepared for me needed to be even more independent and strong willed and tolerant (Lawdamercy he is patient).

Dating in the DMV didnt suck but it also wasn't a walk in the park. As I got closer to my 30s I started to be more intentional about dating. I created a list of wants/needs, organized my priorities, became civically engaged, volunteered, traveled, attended church, you know...put myself out there. Tradition has it that when you put these techniques into place, a man will just fall into your lap. Thats exactly what did not happen to me.

I didnt stumble upon my man doing these things alongside me. He didn't have time for that frivolous stuff--he was busy too!

It was friendship. We started off as platonic friends, blossoming into something...

Warm.
Slowly burning.
Crockpot kinda love.

Physically, he isnt my type which is why it took me by surprise.

I met him at a networking event in Spring of 2016, he was quirky, boisterous, outgoing, cocky, pleasantly annoying--basically a male version of myself. No instant attraction whatsoever. But we naturally were drawn to each other. It was like instant friendship, when we exchanged Facebook friend requests it was if we'd been old pals.
Our conversations always flowed naturally and I felt at ease. I suppose that the lack of romantic intentions on either of our part helped ease our friendship into the bliss.

Our first outing in the Summer of 2016 was a platonic "double date" with mutual friends. Really just 4 single friends on a random outing but we joked the entire night about the double date concept. I remember rebuffing flirtatious dialogue from our other guy friend and naturally being drawn back to my future lover's side. Still nothing romantic piqued my interest.

But I could tell God was ordering my steps for something great. I had been on several dates that I now know were to prepare me. The man I had been talking to at the time seemed to be retracting from our teetering flirtatious friendship.

Good.

Make room for my new beau...

Last summer I went to the emergency room feeling nauseous. Good ole Facebook just initiated a feature that captured your "nearby friends" and he saw that I was in the area wanted to link up after his side gig was over. When I told him I was in the hospital he rushed to my side.

Guys, I was looking a hot mess. Liiike total hot mess. But you know what--because I still thought of him in the platonic sense, I didn't care. I moved with confidence and ease.

Later on I mentioned I was moving and he said he could come help me move. Great! I had about 6 other guy friends helping out, I didn't think anything of it.

He came over that Sunday and something clicked. We shared a bottle of red wine and I expressed my delight in the intricacies of the flavors and notes--he chimed in rhythm and that's when the lightbulb went off.

Right under my nose. This whole time???

Instantly, I started getting nervous, butterflies, sweat. OMG Do I really like this guy? We've been friends for nearly 2 years and its taken me this long to realize he could be The One?

That late summer Sunday in 2017 we shared our first kiss and it was magical. Our lives and worlds have collided perfectly ever since.

The End.

Happy Fathers Day

R: Milton Clarke (Father) | L: Ezell Clarke (Grandma)

I'll never know what a Father's love is like. I will never experience the love and comfort of a fatherly relationship, and I'm OK with that. I have to be. I am 32 years old going on 33. My mother reared me on her own--a semi-choice.

My parents first met in Jamaica and fate led them to meet up again 10 years later in the Bronx and *boom* I was born in '86. I never got the chance to meet him due to the extenuating circumstances under which I was conceived, and in 1993 that fate was sealed when a gunman murdered my father.

My mother shared the story with me about how she did not know he was married when I was conceived. She was deeply in love with him. When she discovered he was still married, she was heartbroken. I had been told for many years she chose to move to Florida for better education opportunities for her children--a stretching of the truth. She moved out of heartbreak. She had to get away and sort of "punish" my father for his betrayal. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to keep me, being a single mother in the 80's was still an unpopular circumstance. I am glad she made the right choice for her.

Everyday she reminded me of how much I looked like this man named, "Milton" having never met him, I attributed this to a comical anecdote. I spoke to Milton once on the phone when I was 6. I don't even remember what his voice sounded like or if I understood what a father was. I just remember he said he would be sending me a package for my birthday--then he died. 

I'll never know what a Father's love is like. I'll have to be OK with that. Im nearly 33 now, it's too late to lament or type a sad sob story--"boohoo". Don't feel sorry for me. I'm Gucci my nigga!

Due to my experience, the concept of fatherhood is a distant phenomenon I can't even fathom. 

I didn't know how to spell my real last name until I was 6. When I was 4 my mother dated a man who assumed the role of my father--a terrible circumstance. He was also married--and he also died. (Divine Coincidence?)

I didn't miss not having a father, it was my baseline. I didn't even say "Aha! Finally I'll have a daddy" after my mom remarried a man when I was ten years old. He was just "That church elder who bagged a woman 17 years his junior". He didn't even TRY to be my dad. Which was cool cause I didn't want some "crusty old man" telling me what to do. BUT, according to my mother, I still had to address him as some form of "Dad". I chose "Pa" cause that seemed like the most distant word from fatherhood I could fathom. 

I didn't know what having a father was like but I knew "Pa" was NOT it. I'm not bitter or sad about it. He wasn't a terrible person or mean or wicked. He just wasn't emotionally available to me. Some step-parents just don't have that kind of capacity. Because of his age it was like he had used up all his "fatherly points" 40 years ago and...

I. 
Did. 
Not. 
Care. 
One bit. 

No, I didn't miss having a daddy until I got my heart broken in my 20s. That's when the correlation upended in my mind. Having a father or father figure is crucial to a young girl's development. 

Happy Father's Day

(Sorry this is belated, Im kinda bad at this Father's Day thing cause..well...you know.) 

"I Dont See Color!" Said the White Blind Man to His Black Deaf Wife

"I dont see color"

"Black Lives Matter? How about ALL lives matter?"

"Why is there a black history month or BET?"

"Why is there so much division?"

**BULLSHIT**

Lets analyze these common statements from some ignorant people of non-color with "seemingly" good hippy intentions of inclusion and LOVE.

Look people, we know you are well intended with your euphoric, butterfly language of love and union and holding hands and kumbaya n shit, but Im gonna be curt.

You do see color. We ALL see color. 

The only person who can claim to not see color is a blind man and even then colors can be explained as emotions or feelings.

Lets get one thing straight. I want EVERYONE to see color. Being black is apart of who who I am. It shapes and molds a person culturally and socially. Being black is an indication of the kind of treatment I will get from another person. My struggles have made me the woman you see today. My triumphs and nappy hair are apart of my blackness and therefore apart of me. 

"Seeing no color" is a myth. Differences is what makes us a unique mix. You wouldn't puree a salad and serve it to someone would you? Why? Because each component adds a special flavor, texture, and shape. Their differences make the salad tasty. 

But Kassie "We're all the same on the inside..." 

*BS*

 

No we're not, and if you told a Med School student we're all the same on the inside it would be *cringeworthy* Stand a male and a female next to each other. Cut them open. 

A man has a penis--I do not. 

A woman has a vagina--a man does not.  

Women have estrogen and breast.

Men have testosterone and facial hair.

These are things that make up apart of who we are. Emotionally women are nurturers and men are protectors and providers this is how God (and/or Mother Nature for the non-believers) made us. 

Why aren't we going around calling men and women the same--oh wait "we are" in the feminist movement (misnomer). Actually feminism is a movement to create the same OPPORTUNITIES for both sexes not a claim that men and women are physiologically the same. So if a woman wants to be a construction worker/soldier in battle/miner/ceo/main breadwinner she should have that right to do so and get paid the same (but let's save that for another blog post). The point is my color, your lack thereof, his ethnicity, her culture, his creed all these differences make for an interesting mix.

Lets not put my color in a blender to dissolve in some bland confused melting pot of culture. Let my color keep its flavor and shape and then add it to the other cultures in the pot to create a salad amalgamation of America.

A better statement: 

"I see your color but I don't care"

My last point is that even if you think you don't see color. Subconsciously--You DO! Its called implicit bias. Just below the surface of your conscious mind, you are making preferences, micro-judgements and decisions based on stereotypes, sensationalist media and your misguided perception. 

Something like 60% of Americans are biased towards white people. That means 60% of black and white people have a preference towards white people and subconsciously think black people are untrustworthy. Don't believe me just watch! Take the test, click here!

Even on a global scale color matters. Why? Because European Colonialist went around the world conquering black, yellow, brown nations and telling them their color is a problem and you shouldnt own this land because we the white imperialists can do a better job than your savage, primitive, dark complected tribe. 

Australia.

India.

West Indies.

Native Americans.

Africa.

SE Asia.

South America.

And now 400 years later their offspring all of a sudden DONT want to see color? Nah homie, its gonna take more than 40 years of integration and tolerance to reverse what white european mass murderers like;

• King Leopold II (10 Million Congolese) and 
• Christopher Columbus (49 Million  American Indians) and 
• Vasco Núñez de Balboa (2 Million indigenous central americans), 
• German General Lothar von Trotha (110,000 Herero and Nama Africans), 
• Hitler (11 million Jewish people, Gypsies, and Differently Abled people), 
• European Slave Traders/Owners (11 Million Africans during the Middle Passage). 
• Honorable mentions: Australian Aboriginals, Armenians, Rwandan Genocide...(probably another 2 Million)

OMG I could go on and on and on....but I won't because this shit is depressing and I got things to do today. And for all the people who have died to get me here--you WILL see my color and one day it WONT matter and you'll make no judgements or pre decisions or faulty conclusions because of it. But one day we all will see the power and the triumphant blessings of being black.

"I see your color but I don't care"

"OMG! I Think I'll Dress To Attract a White Boy" (Said no black woman EVER)

I was having a discussion with a white gentleman (if I can even call him that) about interracial dating (is that even a real phenomenon since race "doesn't exist"?). He said to me, and I quote; "Well, maybe if they'd stop wearing those long fingernails--I mean how can they get any work done? We don't like that...and the weave too."

*PAUSE*

*PAUSE*

There just sooo much for me to unpack here.
I just can't. So I won't. Nah. I will. I said: "What makes you think women are saying to themselves, you know, I think I want to scoop me up a little Johnny, so I won't get my nails bedazzled this time Sui Ying, just give me the natural-catch-a-white-boy set..."

SECONDLY: "I thought we were discussing BLACK WOMEN not some stereotypical fantasy media served buffoonery you've secretly fetishized in your head--No just no."

LASTLY: "And even if a singular black woman chose to have long Godzilla nails (and I know a few who do) so the fuck what? Aint nobody waking up in the morning and saying 'OMG! I think I'll dress to attract a white boy today'!" #GiveMeABreak

And so it goes--the sentiments in this country regarding black women. We're loud, attitudinal, long fingernails and colorful weave. Wait, when Becky does it she's "alternative" when Sharkeisha does it, it's "ghetto". Are these the stereotypes that are holding us back from interracial dating? Then fine. So be it.

It's not even just a problem beladen on the shoulders of black women--its women of every ethnicity in this country--its as if women are on display for the sole gratification of men. I get it you like what you like. BUT, Its the stereotypes that have been fed to you, that you actually bought into without investigating for yourself that disturbs me.

Don't worry we have our stereotypes about you as well--and some of us have investigated and found it to be true ;-) But I'm not here to go tit-for-tat.

Let's analyze my theory for why there isn't more interracial dating. More than anything subculture is a means that divides us--in good and bad ways. Its called a Double Consciousness. Double Consciousness is a term coined by W. E. B. Du Bois to describe an individual whose identity is divided into several facets. As a theoretical tool, “double consciousness” reveals the psycho-social divisions in American society and allows for a full understanding of those divisions. (DuBois, Souls of Black Folks)

For a long period of time black people were not allowed to fully participate in mainstream American culture. Slave masters deprived Africans of their cultural customs by enacting slave codes. Therefore they had to navigate in unfamiliar territory by cultivating this new culture. Black Culture.

The assorted stereotypes of being "loud", good at dancing, fixing elaborate hairstyles, being lyrical, good cooks, etc. These are all Africanisms, characteristics of African culture that can be traced through societal practices and institutions of the African diaspora. Of course they are exaggerated for the entertainment of people who are not apart of the movement. That's why it's called a STEREO-type. The type has some truth but the stereo exaggerates and warps the truth into a tacky version of its former self.

Instead of balking at colorful weaves and its apparent "tackiness", we should be trying to understand the history. African women have been weaving and locking their hair as part of a cultural custom.

Another white wonderment; Why do some black people have a slight propensity at being lyrical artists? In many African societies there was no formal written language (actually up until 770BC Europe also did not have a written language until the Romans borrowed from the Phoenicians and the Phoenicians from AFRICAN Hieroglyphics) West African cultures used Griots to pass down oral history. Stories and rituals were beaten on drums in special synchronizations with body movements. Hence our seemingly natural love of beats and freestyling.

I'm being very loose and anecdotal here but do you get my drift? Of course, these stereotypes and Africanisms do not apply to EVERY single black person. Every black person is not going to be a good, beat boxing, dancing, rapping, shuckin n jivin negro. These are cultural mannerisms and customs passed down from generation to generation. This is why there is a serious need for cross cultural education. In school we learn so much about European culture and customs (which by the way are derived from Africa) that when it comes to Africanisms they seem foreign to us.

Some stereotypes exist because of appalling reasons. For instance, the alleged propensity for black men to be good at sports. Theory has it that slave masters made enslaved African women breed with the strongest men in an attempt to yield the strongest "buck".

OK lets get it out the way. The Mandingo theory. Yes its true--somewhat--by .1 inches -_- according to a Kinsey Report in the 1970s which included only 54 black men and 3000 white men in the USA.
However, according to one Global report produced by EveryoneWeb the Democratic Republic of Congo has the largest average erect length at 7.1 inches compared to the world average of 5.5 inches.

I hope I have inspired someone to expand their curiosity outside the box of their limited scope. #LetItMarinate